With the Sexual Revolution that started in the 1960’s came a tidal wave of relaxed views on God’s gift of sexuality within the protective walls of the marriage covenant. One of the downsides of setting aside this protective barrier has been the current proliferation of Pornography use in our culture.
“Teens & young adults rank not recycling as more immoral than watching porn.”
-The Porn Phenomenon
“The Porn Phenomenon is a wakeup call. When 54 percent of Christian young adults ages 18-24 seek out porn at least occasionally, & when two out of the three youth pastors & more than half of senior pastors say porn is a current or past struggle, we have a genuine crisis on our hands. Porn is undermining God’s truth in the lives of young people & eroding the credibility of the Church.”
-Josh McDowell
“…pornography is the greatest cancer in the Church today.”
-Chuck Swindoll
For the last few years I have been working with men who are addicted to Porn. My journey began when I started mentoring some college students and they indicated that they struggled with issues of purity. My immediate assumption (not a good idea) was that they were speaking of improper relationships with their girlfriends. I was asked to give a talk on pornography at a student men’s retreat. Preparation for that talk opened my eyes to a world that I had no idea existed.
Today’s pornography is not the Playboy Bunny centerfold of the 1960’s. With the advent of high speed internet came an onslaught of creative ways to lure men and women, boys and girls, into fantasy relationships that quickly hijack God’s design for experiencing pleasure, and the issue moves from a moral one to include a bio-mechanical one.
The entrepreneurs of Pornography have found ways to capitalize on our need for intimacy. The human body is uniquely designed for a relationship with our Creator God and our fellow man, the deepest to be experienced within a covenant relationship with our spouse.
In his article “Sex and the search for Intimacy”, author Dick Purnell writes:
“Each of us has five significant parts in our lives. We have the physical, the emotional, the mental, the social, and the spiritual. All five of these parts are designed to work together in harmony. In our search for intimacy we want the solution today, or yesterday. One of our problems is that we want "instant" gratification. When the need for intimacy in a relationship is not met, we look for an "instant" solution. Where do we look? Physical, mental, social, emotional, or spiritual? It's the physical.”
It is in this physical dimension that porn creeps in and takes thoughts captive. All of the men that I am working with began their journey with porn at a young age, 10 to 12.
The first experience of seeing porn induces a feeling that draws you back for more. As the frequency increases, the euphoric rush comes, then the shame increases, and the cycle moves into a new phase. Visual stimulation leads to self-gratification which leads to shame. The process quickly takes root and the unique design for sustained action leading to Godly pleasure becomes hijacked.
New discoveries in Brain Science have uncovered the way our pleasure center works. The body releases Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, in varying quantities when we are engaged in activity that we enjoy. The moral assessments of these activities are governed by two things: first, our cognitive belief of what is right and wrong, and secondly our sin nature, what we will do based on those beliefs.
The same dopamine hit that comes from an act of kindness and love also comes in varying intensities from other activities such as eating and drinking. Food addiction has the same captive qualities as porn addiction. Indulging in these activities generates a dopamine rush which encourages us to repeat the action.
One difference between substance abuse and porn abuse is that substances like alcohol, drugs, and food dissipate with time but the visual images of porn are stored in our amazing memory banks and are not easily erased. Yes, the memory of the high of marijuana and cocaine will be there, but its reminders will not be seen on every billboard you pass or television program you turn to or magazine you look through. There is no such thing as “dabbling” in porn. Even if one makes efforts to step away from it, one carries the residual memories of what has already been seen and done.
I use the term addiction reservedly because “addiction” in our culture has become a medical term that indicates disease and an “it’s not my fault” mentality, something that I had no choice in having happen to me, like Cancer or Lou Gehrig’s disease. I prefer the Biblical term bondage, but addiction is a more startling, in your face kind of language, that invokes the deep urgent need to do something about it. Addiction then is not an excuse but a term that encompasses an understanding of the issue.
Another major difference between substance addiction and sexual addiction is that substance addiction is much more acceptable as a topic of discussion in the church and as well as the greater culture. As a consequence, sexual addiction/bondage is an unspoken issue. It is the shameful thing that good moral families just don’t talk about.
Unfortunately our culture is inundated with high speed internet pornography. Experts use the term Pornified to describe its prolific use in our society. The hard porn of the 1960’s is now the soft porn advertising choice of marketing. The Barna Group recently did a study of hard porn use and the results are staggering. A majority of men between 18 and 30 are regular porn users. The majority of them have been regular users since childhood. Consequently, Dopamine hits from porn watching have become the “New Drug”.
Porn watchers have become intimately, emotionally bonded to a two dimensional image on a computer flat screen. The successor to the computer screen is their smart phone, where pornographic videos are available 24/7, virtually anywhere. The advent of WiFi enables them to access it at Starbucks, McDonalds, on a flight to San Diego, or in their parent’s living room. One unintended result is erectile dysfunction in 20-something males. The problem is not in their plumbing but between their ears. Their brain has become re-wired for a computer screen and a real person just doesn’t excite anymore.
The user sees Porn as a “faithful friend” that relieves the stressors of life every time. There is no possibility of rejection or scorn from the images presented. It is not just still pictures but the person enters an on-screen video production and becomes vicariously the hero in the scene. He or she is the one who is the object of the actor’s desire. You see, porn addiction is an intimacy disorder. I cannot overemphasize this. I believe it plays an important part in the decision whether or not to seek help. “If I get rid of the addiction where will I get relief for my need for intimacy and unbridled acceptance?”
It is my experience, however limited in scope, that a majority of people are using porn to medicate a deeper “wound”. These wounds come from a wide variety of sources, from past and current relationships as well as various life stressors, and ultimately from not knowing and embracing the depth of love and acceptance available to them from our Father Creator.
All of my guys were drawn into the false intimacy of porn while enduring the trauma of normal adolescent relationships. We are constantly encouraged to measure our self-worth according to the dictates of the culture around us. Life on the school yard is hard and the absence of a vibrant parental support structure opens an opportunity for the evil one to offer something synthetic to boost your self-worth. That is where the snare of porn entraps the mind and they are caught in a web of lies that takes on a life of its own.
My interaction with students opened to me a world where porn and video games occupy a significant number of hours of their day, engulfed in “fake love and fake war”. The guilt factor doesn’t exist in the “no absolutes” generation. The problem for them is that there is an inherent shame that persists from our being created in the image of God. They may not have guilt, but the shame “blind sides” them. “If this is not wrong based on my understanding of my “if it feels good do it mentality”, then why do I feel this dreaded shame?” This issue of woundedness does not just affect adolescents but can be a catalyst for anyone of any age, male or female.
It turns out that porn is not the main issue but is merely the method of medicating the pain of life. Take away the porn by moral obedience to the law and the addict will just find another way of medicating the pain. Even to the point of doing acts of righteousness. We find that idols of the heart come in a wide variety. The only path to freedom is to understand our unique relationship with our heavenly Father and his unwavering love for us. Establishing a love relationship with him becomes the path for overcoming the wounds that take us to other idols. Only love can break the bondage. Law can never do it.
The millennials and Gen X ers are not the only ones who are addicted to porn, it is multigenerational, and although the statistics are staggering for the general population, the most alarming thing to me is that the statistics within the Church, the body of Christ, are not a whole lot different.
I have a young 20-something homeschooled friend, who comes from a wonderful Godly family. He recently revealed publically that he had been addicted to internet porn since he was 12. It began innocently enough with a visit to a trusted friend’s home and grew to a bondage that governed his life. His parents were unaware of his addiction. It is a secret bondage for most.
That bondage extends to men and women of all ages and it is a hidden plague that is affecting the church. The Barna study showed that only 7 percent of churches have any program to address the phenomena, and it is a tsunami that will engulf the church and render it ineffective. Many in my generation just don’t know that the problem exists. Yet it captivates pastors, elders, deacons, and its dominance is found across the spectrum of the church body. I can’t stress enough that it affects both men and women.
Unfortunately because of its shame factor, we are not able to establish a “sexual addiction” group with a signup sheet in the narthex. Unless it is affecting our immediate family we just don’t know the depth of the problem nor what we can do to help those in our midst that are struggling with its grasp. When it is prolific in our immediate family, the shame of it keeps us in silence.
There is Hope!
I recently attended the Set Free Global Summit championed by Josh McDowell. The summit was the first major gathering of the body of Christ dedicated to the issue of Pornography addiction in the church.
We heard from the latest Brain Science researchers as well as leaders in the Church who are focusing their efforts at offering a Biblical approach to bringing the issue into the open and, more importantly, offering a scriptural process to overcoming the bondage.
The Apostle Paul in his letter to the Roman church in chapter 12 exhorts us, in view of God’s mercies, to present our bodies as a living sacrifice Holy and acceptable unto God which is our reasonable act of worship. He further asks that we not conform ourselves to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
I used to think that the “renewing” was merely a cognitive, biblical knowledge acquisition process. But with the advent of new discoveries in how our brain works, I have come to realize that there is a physical phenomenon that is at work as well. You see our brain has neural pathways that take on a “grooving” as we develop repetitive responses to life issues. As we develop habits our brain moves those responses from a prefrontal cortex “reasoning” section to the Limbic or “automatic” response section.
For example, we get into our car, reach for the door handle and shut it, put our key in the exact slot in the steering column, start the car, grab the seat belt and buckle it, reach down and put the car in gear, and we do it all without taking a second to think about what we are doing. But if we get a new car, we find ourselves searching for the key slot and looking at the gear shift to see what we need to do. Very quickly we will make the new neural pathways that will again let us get into the new car and get underway as a limbic response.
This is the process of renewing our minds. It is the same with our knowledge of God. We read and study the Bible to understand what it is that our Father desires of us and then we think about this revelation in light of our current way of action. We cognitively choose to do it God’s way and the process of moving from forced response in situations to a more automatic response takes hold.
Neuroplasticity is the name given to this ability for our brains to change. We were designed to be able to respond to various stimuli encountered in life and re-groove our brains to respond differently. Isn’t our God amazing!
So the hope we have is that sexual addiction can be overcome by the power of God working in conjunction with his Word and the teaching of the Holy Spirit, enabling us to put off the old manner of life and put on a new way, essentially renewing our minds.
Thankfully we have men and women who are devoting their efforts to developing processes to accomplish the great goal of becoming Holy as He is Holy relative to porn use. What began as a moral issue, and quickly became a brain issue as well, can be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
This hope can become reality when we create a culture of openness in the church. One roadblock to that is the fact that sexual addiction carries a stigma. Confess that you have an addiction to food, alcohol, or pain pills and you will get a loving, concerned, empathetic response. Confess an addiction to porn and everyone will move away from you. The focus of the substance user is the substance itself, but people assume that the focus of a porn addict is them, or their loved ones. The continual draw of Pornography is much deeper than simply a lust for sex.
We find that one of the biggest hindrances to restoration is the cloak of denial. Addicts in bondage to shame are accustomed to avoiding bringing the issue to light at any cost. Denying that they have a problem is the only way to keep the secret.
Consequently, they find themselves holding on to a friend they desperately want to be rid of, and so the battle continues.
I am confidently looking forward to a near future time when the church is open to understanding the deep soul wrenching shame of sexual addiction and embraces the paths to restoration for those caught in its grasp, a time when Pastors and congregations are free from the stigma so that those in bondage can get the help offered in community with their church families.
This help will still need to be offered in a safe confidential manner. But a culture of understanding and compassion can be established that will be lovingly attractive to those hiding in darkness. Jesus gave many examples of this kind of warm understanding for us to embrace. “Let him who has no sin cast the first stone” comes to mind.
This culture of understanding will extend to leaders as well who find themselves in bondage to porn. Christian leadership at all levels are beginning to recognize the depth of this issue and moving from a punitive approach to a restorative approach. As one of my favorite philosophers says, “everyone is addicted to something”. My addiction is just more palatable than the sex addict.
In conclusion, pornography purports to offer a cool, refreshing drink that will satisfy the longing of the soul, but as Jeremiah 2;13 says “My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water”. Jesus offers living water and he who drinks that water will never thirst.
Restoration is the process of repairing the broken cisterns and filling them with the water of life that Jesus stands ready to abundantly provide. Come then, all ye who are heavy laden and He will give rest to your souls. Jesus feels your pain!
If you want more information on how to come along side of someone who is struggling with the bondage of sexual addiction feel free to contact me at kellenbenz@juno.com. I have been blessed to come across some great resources that are proving effective for the guys I meet with. One of those is the Conquer Series available at conquerseries.com
Until next time,
Godspeed,
Glenn
